just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
