I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish ðŸ€
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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