but the lizard people decide everything anyway
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
