Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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