pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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