dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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