we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
