so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
