just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
