Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
