Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
