my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
