I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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