my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
