i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
