I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
