thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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