Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
