Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
