way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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