When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
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