He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
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Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
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I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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