I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
