I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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