I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
