this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
