the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
