if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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