I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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