Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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