i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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