my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
