Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
