I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
