Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
