i wish my penis had a tongue
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
