I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
