the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
