And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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