she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
