I am in a vortex of obligation.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
