i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
