I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
