I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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