Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Alive.
So much puke
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
