I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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