i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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