census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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