Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
