Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Randomize
