you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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