I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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