I hate all girls vehemently.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
