so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Randomize
