she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
