I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
