I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
false alarm. still invincible.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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