I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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