im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
